Confidence is a choice

One of my friends Ying, who is a coach now, has made seven transitions in her career. She was a consultant, a finical analyst, a startup entrepreneur, a business partner, a freelancer, a general manager. In 2018, she chose to become an executive coach.

When people asked her, were you scared to switch from one industry to another industry? Why you are so confident to move from one career to another?

Ying said, “I look back. What I see is someone pursuing her passion, following her heart, finding meanings in her life. She makes choices that give her energy, give her meaning and get her out of the bed everyday.”

Does this mean Ying’s life has been smooth? It is nothing like that.

Ying has many sleepless nights. And those nights also gave her many rewards to learn, to experience and to grow.

All those years of life experience has made who she is today.

Ying had times when she was intimidated by unknown, by the exposure of her vulnerabilities.

How did she handle these down times?

Ying told me during those periods that she bites her teeth tightly and asked herself to make one small step or one thing each day to make herself feel good about herself. She limited her thinking to make a small progress each day and focused on small wins each day. Surprisingly after a few days she saw improvement.

These began her cycles of upward spiral structural psychology. Whenever she has the churning stomach feeling, she asks herself quietly to go back to the spiral structure. And this has been her secret weapon and source of her confidence.

Confidence is an option we can choose to have.

Confidence is to face our vulnerability, admit, learn from others and move forward.

We are born with confidence. Confidence is us. Confidence is our potential. We have unlimited confidence in us. It’s matter of choice for us to be confident.

I have many ideas and assumptions

Yesterday there are two bright and smart new graduates came to my house for dinner.

I asked them what are their plan after graduation. One has solid plan and plan B for her next step. The other one, claimed with charismatic personality, has a lot to talk.

He talked about his views on the world economic development, what technology can do for the world and it might go. It seems glamorous and grandiose.

Then I asked him, “How these development are related to you, to your situation?”

He seems stumbled with the question.

He is not alone. Many of us including me have many ideas and assumptions. These ideas and assumptions create little value till we form assertions and test them in life.

When we are confident to do things, we know we can test our confidence in action. We do things through trials and errors to get where we want.

Having ideas and assumptions are actually a good start. It may be your step one.

Step two is to form an assertion with them.

Step three is to bring the assertion to test in action.

For example, my assertion is: with the fast pace of technology development, our life becomes busier and may be stressful. People may be stressed out and lost their sense of direction, or even self. Therefore, business coaches or life coaches will become highly demanding in the next decade.

How do I test this assertion?

I will join various networking groups to check the feedback and their needs. Next step is to fine tuning to understand which areas are really people need help for.

With the above knowledge, I can form some tests and go back to the groups for further feedback.

I even can test my assertion online and through social network.

With the review I can get from my tests, I might be able to move some where and get some work done.

In the middle of the road

When you are in the middle of your long march, or long run, what is going on in your mind?

When you are in the middle of your challenge and tough project, how do you feel?

When you start your New Year’s plans many times, what is happening with you in the middle of the year?

We all feel the struggles, the tough challenges we face in the middle of our destinations. The middle road is the period that tests our endurance and grit.

I remember my grandma told me that donkeys are bland-folded when they are milling rice or wheat to prevent them distracted and to increase their focus working.

Sometimes, we need “blindfold” ourselves not to be distracted by social network etc. This is especially important when we are in the middle of the road.

We need focus.

We need endurance.

We need hanging on there a little bit more, a little bit more…

Do you remember that when you workout hard in the gym, your muscles are aching, you are sweating, you body is shaking…

Then you come back to the gym again, again, day after day.

Days turn into months, then years.

You get a good body, a good health and good spirit.

If you have stopped after three days, you will not make a big change to your body, mind and your spirit for long run.

Your reputation creates your habits. Your habits create You over time.

When you have a goal in mind. It calls your determination. It calls your tough mindset. The most important thing is that it calls you to create your New habits.

To create your New habits, you need have a new imagine in mind. And then work towards to the imagine until you become it.

You are I the middle of the road, look the imagine you have had in mind, walk towards it without distraction, one step at a time, one day a time, 1% better a time, you will get through it.

Forget your personality test result now

You are ambitious and want to move forward with your career.

You want to know yourself better, what kind of person you are. You take personality test. The test result states what kind of person you are from different aspects.

Many people trust their personality test results and believe that who they are. Therefore they follow that person described from the test to do things, communicate with others and live their lives.

Now, I want you to forget your personality test result.

I want you find a quiet moment and ask the internal you: what do you want in 2020? What makes you excited? What makes you getting up from the bed every day? What keeps you going even when you feel like quitting? What are the drives?

What do you see yourself look like that gives you joy in 2020?

What do you wear that makes you feel energized in 2020?

Whom are you with that makes you feel inspired in 2020?

Where will you be in 2020 that makes you feel at home?

…

Put all your answers together you will create a new you. A new you with different personality in 2020 will have a new identity, therefore a new personality.

Researchers have shown that every ten years you can change into a totally different person. Your personality will shift different in six months. It could be sooner if there is dramatic changes occurred to your life, such as sudden life change, job change, live environment changes etc.

Your personality is a moving target.

You don’t need to stick with your current personality. You can create a new personality. You are in charge of your identity.

So the action is:

1) answer all the questions above.

2) create a new identity for yourself for 2020.

3) make a daily practice to create a new you!

All the best for 2020!

You will not have happiness everyday and all the time

When you are happy, what exactly you feel?

You feel content, you feel you want to hold the moment forever, you feel you don’t want anything to disrupt and change this moment.

You want to preserve the moment, the state.

“Happiness is simply absence of desire.” James Clear said.

However, happiness is a fleeting. Because we are human. We always have desires and wants.

When we have desire, we have struggles, challenges and failure. We want more, we want to achieve more. As human, it’s natural for us to have desires all the time. It’s in our DNA.

Desires move us from happiness to worries, hope, stress, joy and satisfaction.

We live in a dynamic world.

When we are happy, we need to preserve the treasured moments. Because happiness the space between our desires. They do not last and may not come easy.

This does not mean we should not have happiness. It simply means that happiness is a state. Happiness is not a goal.

Happiness is dynamic. It moves from time to time. It depends on the environment and context you may experience different degrees of happiness.

For example, when you had your first chocolate, you may fall in love with its taste and fell so happy. You become in love with chocolates. You like it. But the degrees of happiness each time you have one chocolate may be different depending on when, where, and with whom you have it.

You will not be happy all the time and everyday. But, you certainly can create more moments in your life to appreciate any happy moments you have.

Here are a couple of tips for creating more happy moments in your life:

1) when you are happy, savor it with your heart, your spirit and your body. Remember how this happiness makes you feel, smell and taste.

2) reflect the peak moments or happy moments you have had when you are down and feel flat. See how can you “repeat” or regenerate it. This can bring you more happy feeling and release some frustrations in your life.

With these two tips, have a happy day!

Happy everyday…

I have a long time mentee asked me, “How can we keep a happy life on a daily basis?”

Obviously this question has bothered her for a long while.

I don’t have answer for her.

To me, I would ask me a different question, “How can I keep feeling content each day?”

“Happy” is a good word. Feel happy is a good feeling. But your happiness is different from mine. Therefore, happy is a vague word to measure our daily life.

However, when we talk about content, we have something in common. We all pursue satisfaction, growth, safety and security, love…

We pursue a career that can fulfill our ambition. We want to have a partner loves us, understands us and supports us. We want to have steady income for our living security. We want to have an environment that provides us safety and life quality.

To keep us feeling content is a mentality. A mentality that lets us feel we are alive, not bored.

We are exited when we are dating, when we get a new job or a promotion, when we move to a new place, when we meet new friends… We sometimes call these happy time – peak moments.

And you can’t have these moment s all the time, very often.

So the big challenge is how to keep content after the peak moments?

Habit expert James Clear asked one of his coaches about what makes the top performers different from the rest of us. The coach said genetics, luck, talent, and added that at some point, it comes down to who can handle the boredom of doing the same thing over and over and over…

Anyone can work hard when they feel motivated. However, it’s ability to keep going when work isn’t exciting that makes the difference. And this may not make you happy, it may let you feel content for what you do.

This is the dividing line between a professional and an amateur.

Happy every day may not be your goal. Happiness is a consequence of your being after your doing.

You do not need build up your confidence

To have confidence is a good feeling. To be confident you may need go through a tough journey and do some hard-work.

When I was recruited as an executive to a company I knew little, I took the chance. I remember that I was commented as an fit leader because I came from a different industry and I was not an expert for the industrial content matter not very long into my role.

I sure felt like my stomach punched at that time. I feel I had the moment of the emperor from the Emperor’s New Cloth. I was naked, totally exposed and vulnerable.

However, I also felt the relieve that I do not to pretend I knew everything. I can felt that my ego was run away hiding some where.

So I openly acknowledged that and asked their help to build a stronger company together. It took a while to build trust and bonding with my former colleagues. But the experience has strengthened my confidence through vulnerability.

To build up your confidence is actually a wrong statement.

Everyone has the confidence.

What keeps us from doing the things we want to do, we get to do, we love to do is our willingness to put us out there, to experience our vulnerable moments, to be human.

As human, we all make mistakes, do silly things from time to time. It is our sympathy towards to ourself set us free. We give ourself second, third, fourth… chance to do things right. We learn from our experience. This is how confidence is progressing.

Confidence is a journey you take.

Confidence is a choice you make.

You have confidence in you when you were born. It waits there for you to discover it and re-discover it all the time. Confidence is your life long companion.

I have issues with adjustment…

I am very good at adjustment, so as I felt about myself for sure one month ago.

I have moved biggly several times in my life. I say biggly, it’s because I moved from one city to another city, one country to another country, one continent to another continent, one region of the world to another region of the world… I love meeting new people, new world and gaining new experiences.

During as these moves, I have adjusted myself fairly well. These because it has been me making all the choices to move around. I have been on the driver seat. Even though I have faced many challenges for each movement, I have been super excited to embrace each movement. I attribute these as I am good at adjustment for a new environment.

What if I have to move to another city, another country, or another continent, and it is Not my choice? What if I have to move, to leave, and I have to accept it?

This happened to me one month ago. I was bought out by the company.

This is the life.

Life happens while I am busy to make other plans.

This time I was not the driver. This time I moved to another continent, another country, which is a one I used to live, it is a one I was familiar with seven years ago, it is a one many many people hope if they can pay a visit in their dreams.

I was not in a good mood to do a good adjustment this time for two weeks!

I stopped doing everything I usually was doing from that point on, including my daily blogging.

This is not me.

I am someone who is agile, mature, and resilient… so I have been reminded by my family and friends, my loyal supporters in my life.

I became feeling better in week three.

I became more sensible in week four.

I actually moved forward in week five. I physically moved out the country and back to “civilization”.

When the first astronaut landed on moon, we know his one step on moon means a giant leap in human history.

Somehow I feel that my one step move from continent to another means a giant leap for my life. I am free. I am in good hands. Sounds contradicting… yet I feel this way.

Today I appreciate that I feel content. I appreciate that I am back to one of the best parts of the world. I appreciate that my family has been with me on every step along the road. I appreciate that I can access the abundant resources easily. I appreciate that I have likeminded people around me. I appreciate that I have clean air to breath, clean water to drink, nice gym to work out…

I am grateful for where I am today.

But, I am not sure I can call this is a good adjustment as comparing many moves and adjustments I’ve done in my life. Because this time is different from any other moves I made. This move is not a typical moves for me.

I bet many people have had dramatic changes happened to their lives as well. These may not involve physical moves for one country to another country. However, big changes in anyone’s life are challenging.

Take a moment and make an inventory for what you have in your life when big changes happen in your life.

Think what you can appreciate at this moment.

You can make a whole lot difference for your life and the life people around you.

Life is beautiful. It has all flavors: sour, sweet, bitter, spicy, salty. Enjoy them fully.

Preparation for life

A friend has concerns regarding a meeting she is invited for next week.

The meeting will be with her biggest boss and HR head. She tried to ask the secretary, but she does not know either. This seems unusual.

My friend gets a little bit worried, confused, uncertainty and somewhat stressed…

How many other things can make you feel the same way in life?

There are many things in life happening without your full knowledge. We face surprises all the time.

It’s up to you on how to interpret what is coming to your way.

It is up to you on how to prepare yourself for any uncertainty.

It is up to you on make a choice whether you need worry about those uncertainty or not.

You will never prepare enough for anything happening in life. However, you can prepare yourself to have an open mind to embrace everything showing up in your life, whether you like them or not.

Be strong.

Be brave.

Be yourself.

Love life.

You will be okay.

The other self

Sometimes we are swamped by our daily engagements and obligations. We loose ourselves.

If you step out your body mentally and look at yourself – the other self, you may get insights on how to deal with your situations.

You can look the other self, how does she look like? Is she happy? Is she tied, sad, lost, curious, alert…?

What do you want to say to the other self?

What do you think the other self wants?

What do you want the other self look like? What do you want her to do?

What will she feel if you tell her what you observe, what you think of her?

Try these exercises sometime to yourself when you feel loosing yourself somewhat, or you want to figure out something.

We make progress by doing tests and exercises. To know yourself better is the primary task of your life.