When a colleague challenged me after I made a statement, I felt uncertain, a little bit panic… also I felt left shoulder and back heavy and aching. I could not focus on doing anything else for hours.

One day, another colleague reporting to me sent an email to me and many others. I felt my heart beat faster, somewhat panic… then shoulder and back aching. It took me a while to figure out why he sent such an email without talking or informing me first.

Then something similar happened and I noticed my immediate heaviness on my shoulder and back.

What is going on with me?

Why I was so uncertain and uneasy?

Am I intimidated by the challenge to my authority and expertise?

That is right.

I could not face my lacking knowledge, because my personal identity is smart and knowledgeable.

I could not embrace others to challenge my opinion, what if I was wrong? I considered myself is an expert somewhat in the area. I did not want to loose face.

I have severe imposter syndrome!

Therefore, I suffer from the syndrome. My shoulder and back pain have lasted for nine months.

One day, I decided to make a change.

I take three small steps a day: one is to listen to different opinions without rejections, especially those ones do not agree with mine; second I admit my ignorance once a day if new thing shows up; the last one is to keep my focus on the most important items of the day and let others go.

I was sweating, red faced when I started the baby steps first day. No one seemed noticed. I was relived.

I repeated this, again, again…

One day, I realize that I can do this naturally.

My raw vulnerability keeps me going through tough times. I become more courageous. I gain more connections, more trust.

Do I still have imposter syndrome? Of course. The good thing is that I can recognize it now. I am battling with it, it may be a long way before I can say my final goodbyes. However, it’s a road worth of taking.

To become raw and vulnerable is hard, a torture. It also let me reborn and courageous.

As a leader, you want to make a difference, you want to make a change.

A change you want to make starts within yourself. Only when you up to the change, you can make changes around you.

The author for the best book seller – The leadership gap, Lolly Daskal said, “Great leaders change the world around them. But I promise you, they start by changing what is within.”

You want to make a change, become the change you want make first.

You will need to know yourself, who you are, your strength, your inspirations, your gaps to get where you want to be…

It is not easy to be on top of everything you do. As a matter of fact, it is impossible to be on top of everything you.

To be on top of a wave or with a wave, you will need to be open minded.

We are all changing every moment biologically – old cells in our body dying, and new cells at the same time growing. Our muscle cells grow in different speed from our skin cells, our hair cells, etc. In a similar way, for each change in our life it needs different time to take place. We get to be open to learn, to observe, to adapt and grow with each change.

When we stop learning, we stop leading.

When we can lead ourself, we can lead others.